my life's a drag...

Yesterday I went to visit my friend, i loved her, and I envy her for everything, her life may not seem as structured as mine, but everything goes fine for her. She is now married to a rich guy and she has a beautiful baby boy. While I'm gonna marry an underachiever, and I have to live with the guilt of aborting my baby for the past 3 years. I still couldn't believe I actually left my new boyfriend whom have everything I've always wanted, his family, his status, his style, his looks, his charm, his carisma, simply put I just loved everything about him. But I still choose my old boyfriend for 5 years over him. I still don't know why I'm still with this guy, what makes me stick to him like glue. I obviously does not love him anymore, but I'm getting married to him anyway, I guess because with him I know I can be bitchy and he'll still love me, I can be as lazy as a cow and he'll still love me. I hate his family, I hate everything about him. I may regret my decision (more like absolutely sure I will regret it) later in life. Honestly I still love the boyfriend I left earlier. I want him to save me from this marriage. I dont want it to happen. I'm wishing that somehow he will come and save me, stopping the wedding. But I know I can only wish for it to happen until the day that I die because being a gentleman that he is, he won't save me. Nobody can save me, not even myself. I will live an unhappy and unfulfilling life for the rest of my life. And everybody around me will think I'm happy with my life. In people's eyes I have a perfect life, but I keep dark secrets from everybody and it's killing me inside. I just grew to hate my life more and more and I'm doing nothing about it. Why? I dont know...